Planning as practice

I used to wonder why people had very long engagements. I assumed that the time was for practical reasons -- saving money, booking venues, DIY projects.

I've also heard people say that being engaged is a trial period for couples to see if they want to get married. I disagreed (We. Are. Getting. Married... unlessIfindoutsomethingreallyandtrulyhorrible), but that left me without a clear idea of what we would change between us during our engagement. We do, after all, live together.

Of course, all of that changed once we got engaged.

Yes, we will use the time to plan the details of our wedding day. But it's more than that, so much more. Being engaged is an opportunity to grow closer and to learn (and practice) the skills we'll need to be a successful married couple - things like compromising, getting along with our in-laws-to-be, making decisions together, budgeting, spending large sums of money (I don't care how small your wedding is, it's likely to involve larger sums of money than you'd spend at, say, the book store), and becoming a team. Our entire engagement is a rite of passage, and when I think about my task list that way, every item becomes meaningful.

Build a guest list? We're getting acquainted with each others' social and family circles. We're dipping our toes in each others' family traditions and assumptions. We're defining our community!

Invitation choices? We're defining ourselves as a couple -- casual or formal, traditional or modern, spendy or thrifty. How much emphasis (and money) are we putting on something many people will throw away that is also the first announcement of our big news?

Deciding on a menu? My culture and family norms meet his. Mine are a potluck, casual, super spicy kind of people. His are casual as well, but the food is more southern and likely to be takeout. Being from different cultures (Hispanic v. Southern), this is where we'll showcase those differences for our families.

Our engagement isn't too long -- about nine months -- but just right for us. Every day I am more excited, more centered, and more capable of being a great wife for my fabulous husband-to-be. I've learned that you need to plan and save, but also to grow and transition into the couple you'll be... and that takes time. I've learned that wedding planning, while often stressful and crazy, is important and meaningful.

{As a second-time bride, I'll admit that I thought, I've done this wedding planning thing already. Let's skip the drama this time and keep it short and practical. If you're getting remarried, like me, learn from my mistakes. This is a new marriage, a new couple, and a new life. Don't shortchange yourself (yourselves!) or feel embarrassed about having a lengthy engagement or traditional wedding elements. Your past has passed, and you have every right (in fact, obligation) to embark on this journey with new joy and happiness. A marriage creates a new family, and thus requires it's own transition steps, ie: wedding tasks.}

So, your turn. Why is your engagement as long (or as short) as it is? Did you, unlike me at first, consider your emotional growth when deciding on wedding date? Do you, like me, consider the meaning of every item on your task list?

The best day of my life?

I'll admit, I have little patience for pretense or fuss, and I don't think that my wedding day should be "the best day of my life." What a sad thought to spend decades in marriage looking back at the day it all began.

On the other hand, I do want it to matter. I want to feel the awesomeness of the moment as I pledge my life, my future, my love to one single person until I die. In that moment, I want to feel the losses as well as the gains. I want to be aware that I am choosing to never have another first kiss, to sleep with only one man, to be loyal and faithful to one person. I want to knowingly and willingly give up everything I could have for everything I do have. And then, I want to feel the joy of gaining someone else's loyalty until he dies. I want to want to laugh and run and skip with happiness (happiness I've only ever felt with this man). I want to giggle because life's just so good. And I want to feel the beginning of a new family, of a new life together, of being acknowledged and accepted and ready to move forward as a couple. Not too young, not too fake. Honest.

I thought last night, in the flurry of panicked thoughts, that I want to pledge:

I will be honest, I will be loyal, I will be yours, I will be faithful, I will support you, I will lean on you, I will believe in you, I will believe in us, I will be your proud wife. I will share my people, my life, my love, my pain, my brain, and my heart. I will look forward with you -- not back -- and I will choose you every day of my life. Together with our god, I ask for help to do and be the best that I can, for you, for us, for our new family.

I suppose that's a very difficult simple idea. How much simpler can it get? But then, how do you turn that into a wedding?

Here's how: it's a party to celebrate all that you are and who you'll become, together. You acknowledge your past, celebrate today, and rejoice that the future will bring even more. You ask that your friends and family offer wishes and prayers for the success and joy of your family, and you honor them for helping you get this far.