Thoughts on engagement length

This weekend would have been our wedding weekend, had we not decided that we needed more time. How do I feel? A little bit relieved and very much at peace with our decision.

All along, the F was very clear that he wanted to be married to me, and soon... but he had very little clue about getting married (read: wedding stuff). As I became accustomed to (and excited about) the idea of marrying my favorite man, the greater my desire to do it quickly. Honestly, I wanted to get it over with*.

A long engagement seemed to me to be a side effect of the need to make your wedding a big production. Long engagements implied that you needed time to save money so that you could spend as much as possible on your wedding day. I'm not saying you shouldn't, I'm just saying that we didn't want to break the bank on one day. And if we didn't need time to save money, why NOT get married soon?

I also thought of it as a kind of a cop out. Why get engaged if you weren't ready to be married? A long engagement felt like a symptom of a bigger problem, like ambivalence or concern. I have friends who consider an engagement as a kind of trial period -- we're deciding if we want to be married. I disagree. Engagement, to me, is a commitment to marriage. Unless something really unusual comes up during our engagement (a shocking discovery of the worst kind), we'll. Be. Getting. Married.

And so, we picked a date in October -- not too late for us to have an outdoor wedding, not too soon so that we could accomplish tasks around the house in time to have a party. "I'm a planner by profession," I thought. "I can plan a party for 50 people in a few months!"

The shorter our engagement, went my thinking, the less drama and decision-making angst. I can be terribly indecisive, remember?

Sigh. *shaking head* What a dolt I was.

Being engaged is a commitment. And yes, we will use the time to plan the details of our wedding day. But it's more than that, so much more. Being engaged is an opportunity to grow closer and to learn (and practice) the skills we'll need to be a successful married couple - things like compromising, getting along with our in-laws-to-be, making decisions together, budgeting, spending large sums of money (I don't care how small your wedding is, it's likely to involve larger sums of money than you'd spend at, say, the book store), and becoming a team. Our entire engagement is a rite of passage, and when I think about my task list that way, every item becomes meaningful.

Build a guest list? We're getting acquainted with each others' social and family circles. We're dipping our toes in each others' family traditions and assumptions. We're defining our community!

Invitation choices? We're defining ourselves as a couple -- casual or formal, traditional or modern, spendy or thrifty. How much emphasis (and money) are we putting on something many people will throw away that is also the first announcement of our big news?

Deciding on a menu? My culture and family norms meet his. Mine are a potluck, casual, super spicy kind of people. His are casual as well, but the food is more southern and likely to be takeout. Being from different cultures (Hispanic v. Southern), this is where we'll showcase those differences for our families.

Our engagement isn't too long -- about nine months -- but just right for us. Every day I am more excited, more centered, and more capable of being a great wife for my fabulous husband-to-be. I've learned that engagement length is a personal decision based on so many factors, and at the end of the day, only the couple can know what is right for them. I've learned that you need to plan and save, but also to grow and transition into the couple you'll be.. and that takes time. I've learned that wedding planning, while often stressful and crazy, is important and meaningful.

So, your turn. Why is your engagement as long (or as short) as it is? Did you, unlike me at first, consider your emotional growth when deciding on wedding date?

{As a second-time bride, I'll admit that I thought, I've done this wedding planning thing already. Let's skip the drama this time and keep it short and practical. Why drag my family through it all again? If you're getting remarried, like me, learn from my mistakes. This is a new marriage, a new couple, and a new life. Don't shortchange yourself (yourselves!) or feel embarrassed about having a lengthy engagement or traditional wedding elements. Your past has passed, and you have every right (in fact, obligation) to embark on this journey with new joy and happiness. A marriage creates a new family, and thus requires it's own transition steps, ie: wedding tasks.}

Can you be in love with stationery?

I got my order from Paper Source today, and I'm. In. Love. Also, about to kill my cat for trying to walk all over it (not really... it's not his fault I spread it all out to make googoo eyes at it).

The "Gravel" envelopes are just as serious as I'd hoped, and the "Cement" cards and paper are calm and neutral. Love. The "Starlight Sapphire" (gag, name) inserts are just a little bit shiny, and together they form one serious image. In contrast to the handwritten invites we decided on, this is just perfection!

I'm still struggling a bit with the wording. The stationery is nice and serious, the handwritten invite lends a personal touch... so how formal should the wording be? I think it would be silly to handwrite "The honor of your presence is requested at the wedding of {my man's full name} and {my full name}" when we're doing the inviting and we're handwriting said invite. On the other hand, "Come join us to celebrate" is so, well, simple. I know, I know, that's what I was going for, but I also want people to know how important it is to us that they be a part of our celebration, because we love them and they love us.

I'm overthinking, aren't I? Did anyone else feel that formal invites were too much for their casual affair?

Color indecision

I'm a terrible decider of things. Too many options and I shut down, so the simplest tasks like choosing invitation paper leave me frustrated and overwhelmed. I start out with a vision, which morphs when I see other options, then disappears when I see too many. Too. Much. Decision-making.

New rule: when the panicky feeling sets in, a choice must be made, purchased, completed. "I will order invitation paper today," I said. I'll start with the things I love.

I love blue skies. I love the green-ness of this city. I love simplicity and neutral grays.

So, sky blue accents + green surroundings + white linens + gray base.

SUCH a relief to decide. I'm throwing in "night sky blue" (read: navy) in envelopes and "starry night sky blue" in inserts (because the regular sky blue wasn't available).

Drumroll, please...

Blue!... just because - maybe personal requests?

Cement... invitations

Starry Night (er, Stardream Sapphire) - additional info like parking, etc

Gravel envelopes (so serious... love)

And let's not leave out...

Night envelopes... love. LOVE.

A cake strategy

The F can't picture things until he sees (you guessed it) pictures. Since I'm the researcher in our family, the system we've devised is that I create simple blog posts on our very own private blog on a specific topic (with relevant pictures), then we review them and make a decision.

When I asked J what he pictured when he thought about a wedding, he mentioned three things: a ceremony in the clearing, a "GQ looking" suit, and a cake. We'd already talked about the clearing and hadn't gotten to the suit (since I hadn't yet picked a dress), so we talked about cakes next.

Simplest

Cake Buffet

Many small cakes (or cupcakes!)

More multiples

There's also the traditional stacked cake, but not only is it more expensive, I don't think we have enough time...

Traditional stacked cake

Cupcakes! When I mentioned this option to him, he didn't believe me. "Cupcakes," he said, "Who has CUPCAKES instead of a real cake? And why?" Men.

Simple and monogrammed

First we picked a style, then we picked flavors, and then we had to decide whether to a) make very simple cakes ourselves, b) talk our friends into making very simple cakes, or c) try to order a last-minute cake from the yummy cake place downtown.

We chose the cake buffet and to bake cakes ourselves and freeze them then do icing the day of. We also chose these flavors:

• Coconut frosting on white cake
• Chocolate w/ fudge frosting
• Carrot cake w/ cream cheese frosting
• My friend Laura's lemon cake
• Pastel de Tres Leches (we might buy this one)

Our backup plan is to ask very close friends to each bring a cake. We'll be prepared with vintage cake stands (which I've yet to buy) and just plop their contributions on each one! I'll admit, I love the idea of our closest friends bringing the cakes that symbolize our first meal as a married couple.

Did anyone else decide to go the DIY route with cakes? Any experiences with doing it successfully? {Check out this link... awesome!}

Choosing a Date (aka, Holiday or not?)

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As I mentioned before, the F and I will be getting married on the property surrounding our house, with a fabulous (is there any other way?) outdoor party to follow. We live in Knoxville, TN, as does his family, but my family lives 1500 miles away in and around Las Cruces, NM. Both of my siblings are in college and my mom works at a high school.

We therefore need to choose a date that is convenient for my family in terms of travel, so school holidays are good. In choosing between Spring Break and Memorial Day, the latter makes the most sense and also ensures that our property is at it's prettiest.

I can't help but wonder, though, will our friends think we're jerks for having a wedding over a holiday? (See blog post here, but be warned, there's profanity.)

On the one hand, our closest friends won't hesitate to give up a long holiday weekend to spend with us. In fact, I'd expect them to be very annoyed at even the thought that they'd rather go to the lake than party with us here.

On the other, our acquaintances might feel put out. Perhaps they really would prefer the lake to sticking around our house with us?

In the end, the needs of my family will win out. They're making the longest (and only) distance trip to be here, and we need to grant them the ability to travel AND have a good time. Our close friends will be involved, helping us out (if only by putting drinks in our hands to calm the stress) throughout the weekend.

As for our acquaintances? We're not inviting most of them. Our goal is to keep our gathering as small as possible and only invite the people we couldn't imagine being without. Since it IS a holiday weekend, we think we'll host a wedding weekend with a variety of activities... and perhaps even a trip to the lake!

Are any of you getting married on a holiday? Have you gotten any complaints about the scheduling? Are you making it a longer shindig to make up for it?

Growing my own bouquet?

That flower in the header of this site? It came from my neighbor's front yard! We live in a house once owned (for four decades!) by a Master Gardener in a perfect part of the country for growing things. We're getting married in late May.

In keeping with my sentimental nature, I want a bouquet made of flowers plucked from our neighbors' yards. I want to anoint our space with flowers cut from our own property. I want the green backdrop of our trees and grass and foliage to be enough "decoration." Oh, yea, and I don't want to spend a bunch of money on flowers that will die.

We don't know a thing about gardening. Let the research begin.

My plan is to use all white for everything else -- linens, chairs, napkins. Because I don't know enough yet about what kinds of flowers we'll pull from the garden, white is safest.

But, what flowers can we grow and count on in late May? I started with my favorite flowers, then narrowing down the list to those that will bloom at the right time.

Hydrangeas. Love, love, love. My neighbors have a fabulous hydrangea bush that produced the flower in the header as well as this one (still alive and well 10 days later). I plucked this one in September, but I'm pretty sure I cut a bunch in June as well. Endless Summer hydrangeas seem to be the way to go.

Roses. This bouquet was cut from our completely neglected rosebushes last Mother's Day.
Beautiful, right? Perhaps not as professional looking as, ya know, bouquets by the professionals, but good enough for me. The big purple one in the top center is fragrant, as are the tiny yellow roses you can barely see in the bottom left corner.
Carefree Spirit shrub rose at Jackson & Perkins. Wouldn't this make a happy and bright single flower bouquet?
Or how about Sweet Freedom? And it's fragrant!

Tulips. Happy! Spring-ish! Bright! I don't know, though, for some reason this seems like the easy way out. Also, I think that late May is too late for tulips in Tennessee.

Poppies! So happy and silly all at once. Stylish. Unfortunately, my research shows that they are delicate, bloom only briefly, and did I mention that delicate things and I don't mix well?

Peonies. I almost forgot peonies! How could I? I don't know much about them except that they're often hard to get shipped... assuming they're delicate? I'll have to do more research.


Mixed inspiration bouquet. He-llo, beautiful. Nice to meet you, Garden Rose. I think we'll be friends. (Joined in this picture by maidenhair fern -- looks like parsley -- and pale pink cymbidiums).

I'm leaning toward roses for a couple of reasons. First, I know they can grow on our property. Second, both of my grandmothers and my recently departed grandfather loved roses. Third, they're perennial, and I'd love to cut a bunch every year for our anniversary. Fourth, we don't have to plant bareroot roses until March, giving us time to pick colors and locations. Finally, we can plant a bunch and see what blooms. Worst case, I can beg flowers from my neighbors or buy a bunch at the florist at the last minute.

I'd love to plant a rosebush in memory of each of my grandparents and one special rose to commemorate our marriage. Adding in a bloom or two from our existing plants will tie us to the history of this property (and the 40+ year marriage it housed), and perhaps our neighbors will contribute another bloom or two as a symbol of our fabulous community.

On the other hand, I love me some hydrangeas. They're elegant and beautiful, simple and showy (but not flashy!).

I have so many questions. Will roses continue to bloom all summer? Will they bloom early enough? Will they bloom the first year we plant them? Can we count on hydrangeas in May? Do I need to pick a color, or can I throw them all in together? How badly can I mess this up?

Any gardeners out there willing to point me to a good book or link for learning about roses and hydrangeas? Any brides who grew their own flowers?

Stay tuned... I still need to figure out what to do with the clearing!

Inspiration

I've spent the last handful of posts waxing poetic about my emotional struggles and my learning curve when it comes to relationships. Those of us facing a second chance at a committed life (and facing our expectations of what that would be) have both the future and the past to deal with. It's important (so important) yet frustratingly unacknowledged.

Today, though, I'm taking a break from the angst and depth, going through all of my inspiration pictures and posting my favorites. Because, repeat bride or not, we all want the day we commit to another (for eternity this time!) to be special, magical, important. It may not be the best day of my life, but I'd like for it to be one of the more memorable.

{I have a reason for this. I'm not so good at trusting or believing in good and happy things. Committing, for me, is incredibly difficult. I constantly fight against my instinct for self-preservation to find the space to be committed and generous with my love. When I pledge myself with my vows, I want to be fully present and I want to remember the moment clearly... because when things get hard, I'll need those promises and the memory of our hope and happiness in that moment to get me through.}

How amazingly cool and elegant and totally wonderful is this bride in a non-white, non-ivory, non-lace dress? I want to be like this before I do the big thing -- sitting on a couch, putting on my own shoes, NOT dripping in drama.


A sweater! Over a wedding dress! Yay for comfort!

Huppah. Because, c'mon, who doesn't want to be sheltered by our new home, surrounded by the love of our friends and family?

Hello, young, in love, and so darned sweet!

Hiya, Sexy. This may be the first (only?) sexy as all get out getting-dressed-to-get-married picture.
The BEST backyard wedding. They upgraded their property (bonus!) and had a great time with their friends and family in the house where they became a family.


More later!