MOVED...

I've moved to Wordpress (I'm more familiar with the features there because I use it at work).

http://repeatbride.wordpress.com

Come on over!

Serendipitous beginnings

People always ask how we met. I suppose it's the question we hear second-most-often, after "when are you getting married?" We smile, blush a little, and say (usually in unison), "At a bar." That's right. At. A. Bar.

I sat down at a bar and had a beer, and the perfect man for me sat next to me.

We didn't know each other before that night, nor did we have a single person in common. I stopped at the local brewery to have a drink just to shut my sister up ("You'll never meet anyone sitting in front of Tivo," she nagged). He declared to his roommate that he was tired of being single and was off to find a girl. We both headed out alone that night, and ended up here, a year and a few months later, living a lifetime together.

I like to think that we were meant for each other. How else would someone just as quirky as I am end up sitting right next to me? How else would a guy with a penchant for breaking into song and dance meet a girl who'd warned her friends that her family often broke out into song and dance? How else would a softie for cats and dogs meet a sucker for puppies and kittens?

Here's my favorite cheese ball on our first trip together to Atlanta, at the Dwarf House (the original Chick-Fil-A):
Here are Miss and Mister Cheese being (you guessed it) very cheesy. See the torn up kitchen in the background? That's his bachelor pad, and this is one of our first make up kisses after fighting about the renovating work we were doing.
And here we are in our new house, showing off our newly refinished floors!
Now, your turn! How did you meet your beloved? Did any of you meet at a bar, like we did?

Planning as practice

I used to wonder why people had very long engagements. I assumed that the time was for practical reasons -- saving money, booking venues, DIY projects.

I've also heard people say that being engaged is a trial period for couples to see if they want to get married. I disagreed (We. Are. Getting. Married... unlessIfindoutsomethingreallyandtrulyhorrible), but that left me without a clear idea of what we would change between us during our engagement. We do, after all, live together.

Of course, all of that changed once we got engaged.

Yes, we will use the time to plan the details of our wedding day. But it's more than that, so much more. Being engaged is an opportunity to grow closer and to learn (and practice) the skills we'll need to be a successful married couple - things like compromising, getting along with our in-laws-to-be, making decisions together, budgeting, spending large sums of money (I don't care how small your wedding is, it's likely to involve larger sums of money than you'd spend at, say, the book store), and becoming a team. Our entire engagement is a rite of passage, and when I think about my task list that way, every item becomes meaningful.

Build a guest list? We're getting acquainted with each others' social and family circles. We're dipping our toes in each others' family traditions and assumptions. We're defining our community!

Invitation choices? We're defining ourselves as a couple -- casual or formal, traditional or modern, spendy or thrifty. How much emphasis (and money) are we putting on something many people will throw away that is also the first announcement of our big news?

Deciding on a menu? My culture and family norms meet his. Mine are a potluck, casual, super spicy kind of people. His are casual as well, but the food is more southern and likely to be takeout. Being from different cultures (Hispanic v. Southern), this is where we'll showcase those differences for our families.

Our engagement isn't too long -- about nine months -- but just right for us. Every day I am more excited, more centered, and more capable of being a great wife for my fabulous husband-to-be. I've learned that you need to plan and save, but also to grow and transition into the couple you'll be... and that takes time. I've learned that wedding planning, while often stressful and crazy, is important and meaningful.

{As a second-time bride, I'll admit that I thought, I've done this wedding planning thing already. Let's skip the drama this time and keep it short and practical. If you're getting remarried, like me, learn from my mistakes. This is a new marriage, a new couple, and a new life. Don't shortchange yourself (yourselves!) or feel embarrassed about having a lengthy engagement or traditional wedding elements. Your past has passed, and you have every right (in fact, obligation) to embark on this journey with new joy and happiness. A marriage creates a new family, and thus requires it's own transition steps, ie: wedding tasks.}

So, your turn. Why is your engagement as long (or as short) as it is? Did you, unlike me at first, consider your emotional growth when deciding on wedding date? Do you, like me, consider the meaning of every item on your task list?

Miss Cheese

Um, hi. *blush* I'm the newest bee over at Weddingbee. !

I told the newly christened Mr. Cheese while sitting on the couch last night, and he was -- proud! I'm not sure he has any idea what this means (yet), but I'm relieved and happy that he's excited too.

Of course, now I have much decision-making-angst. Should I start referring to "the F" as Mr. Cheese? If I don't, this site will flow more naturally. If I do, I can call him "Cheesy" or "Cheesemuffin" or "Cheese Puff." Decisions, decisions.

More importantly... yay! I'm a bee! Miss Cheese!

What's in a name?

Mrs. Hydrangea posted recently about her decision to change her name in a rather unusual way, and it got me thinking about my name decision (ahem, more like a non-decision). Having been married before, I've done the name change thing (and then reversed it). The whole thing was awful. When I first adopted my new married name, I felt lost, like all of my history up to that point had been wiped out, even though I was 21 at the time. Then when I reverted to my maiden name, I was even more devastated. In the years I was married, I graduated and my career really took off. Suddenly, the plaques and awards on my wall were in a different name. "That's not me anymore!" I'd think each time I'd look at them... but I'd left my maiden name so long before that it didn't feel right either. And I won't mention the awkwardness of being congratulated by coworkers (whom I obviously didn't know very well) on my marriage when in fact my name changed because of the d-word.

In desperation, I did the only thing I could. I decided that my real name, my true identity, was my first name. Gone went multi-letter monograms. I'll take just the "M", thankyouverymuch. My last name is evidently dynamic, but my first name won't change.

Now I have the freedom to choose to take Mr. Cheese's last name... or not. He's pretty firmly on the name-change side of the fence, and I'm pretty firmly ON the fence. I would love for my future children and my current pets to share my last name; as a side benefit, his last initial is the same as my first initial, so the single letter monograms are still useful! On the other hand, I don't want to change my name professionally again.

If I worked for a different company, I'd change my name personally but keep my name professionally. {Side note: which one becomes your legal name? If it's the personal name, how do you handle your taxes at work? If it's the professional name, how will you sign your kids' permission slips?} Unfortunately, at my very large corporate employer, your identity is dictated by your tax records. If my name changes legally, so do my email address, IM name, corporate directory, and business cards.

I'm leaning toward changing my name once I have kids. We'll call that the procrastinator's solution. But then I wonder, when, exactly? When I find out I'm pregnant? When the child is actually born? And not to be too pragmatic, but what a mess to change my name while dealing with insurance and doctors and hormones! Ugg, I also dread bringing my personal life into my professional life again by changing my name. I deal with hundreds of people, and every one would have to be notified of my new name.

So, for now, I'm not deciding. The beauty of engagement is that it gives you (me) the opportunity to ponder these dilemmas while not forcing you (me) to decide immediately. I suspect that in the end, I'll take Mr. Cheese's last name, but I'm holding off on checking that one off the list.

What are your plans regarding your last name? Will you take your fiance's name or keep your own? Will you hyphenate or have you come up with some other hybrid solution? Details, please! I'm a practical gal!

Sharing my Hispanic culture

I'm Hispanic. My family tree began in Mexico and my grandparents moved into the US before any of their children were born. Because I grew up in a border town -- about 40 miles from Juarez, Mexico -- I'd always been surrounded by my culture and taken it for granted.

Then I moved away. Suddenly, my friends were amazed at my different-ness (yes, I know it's not a word; I'm using it anyway), wanting to know how to make salsa, what my family eats at holidays, and how to speak Spanish.

Because our families have never met, and because the F's family seems to have the same fascination for my different-ness, I'd like to showcase it at our wedding. At the same time, I'd like to stay away from cliches. Nobody in my family has ever worn a sombrero other than to be silly, and we don't wear brightly colored, swirly dresses. On the other hand, we do like to drink margaritas.

Here are some of my ideas:

• Guacamole and salsa on the buffet. Both are easy to make in large quantities and generally crowd pleasers. I'd pile a stack of recipe cards next to each dish. By the way, I've shared both recipes at the end of this post.
  
• A mariachi band making a surprise appearance at... something. Rehearsal dinner? We haven't decided how to handle that yet. Wedding reception? Maybe!

• A blessing in Spanish during our ceremony. Unfortunately, none of my grandparents are alive. This would be a very personal way to pay a tribute, though it feels a little strange that few of the people attending would understand it.

In the words of Spanish writer, Jose Marti:

In Spanish:

“El amor

nace

con el placer de contemplarse,

se alimenta

con la necesidad de verse,

y concluye

con la imposibilidad

de separarse”.

In English:

“Love is born

with the pleasure of looking at each other,

it is fed

with the necessity

of seeing each other,

it is concluded with the impossibility

of ever being apart.”

Did you use language or food to share your culture with your new in-laws? Like me, did you shy away from things you felt were cliched?

As promised, my salsa and guacamole recipes:

Salsa
To a can of diced tomatoes, add one half of a small onion (diced), one clove of garlic (chopped) or about a teaspoon of garlic powder, one small jalapeno (chopped) -- more or less depending on your taste -- and salt to taste. Mix well. Serve with tostadas. I also sometimes add a squeeze of lime.

Guacamole
The order of what you do is important in making this an easy recipe. Four avocados makes enough for a large bowl of guacamole. First, cut each avocado in half, twist to release the pit, and spoon the remaining meat into a bowl. Add a teaspoon of salt, one clove of garlic (chopped) or about a teaspoon of garlic powder and the juice of half of a lime, then smoosh with a fork until the avocado is the consistency of lumpy mashed potatoes. Add one half of a small onion (diced), one small jalapeno (chopped), and one half of a small tomato (diced). Mix well. Add more salt to taste and black pepper if you like it. Serve with tostadas.

Note that the lime juice keeps the guacamole from turning brown as it sits, so don't omit. Virtually every other ingredient is optional, but I rarely leave any of them out.

Getting to know you...

{img source} Get it? The dogs are getting to know each other?

In planning our wedding, I've struggled with feeling awkward about throwing a party in our own honor. Traditionally, weddings were put on by the parents to celebrate the happy nuptials. That makes sense to me, in a party-throwing sense (certainly not in the whole handing-over-the-woman-as-property sense). It's acceptable to show off your offspring!

The F and I are footing the bill for our shindig, so we're essentially throwing ourselves a party, which feels strange. Call me shy, I guess (there's a first time for everything).

*light bulb goes off*

Or, we can be throwing a party for our guests to thank them for being so wonderful and supportive to us while introducing them to each other! Marisa's people, meet Joey's people.

My family lives in New Mexico, while the F's family lives in Knoxville (as do we). He visited with me last Christmas and met my whole family, and I've met his, but they've never met each other. Our friends haven't met our families, and our neighbors haven't met our friends. We have these amazing groups of supportive people, all segmented. Very sad, don't you think?

A new theme is born: Getting to Know You! {You obviously can't see me bouncing around, but I'm giddy with excitement. It. All. Makes. Sense. To. Me. Now.}

Our invites can read something like:
Because you've loved us and supported us, we'd love for everyone to get to know you and why you're so special to us. Join us as we get married and combine our lives and our people! {Ed note: a little heavy on the "love," I know. It's a draft!}

The RSVP can say something like:
Will you be attending? {Etc, etc}
What's your favorite song? Clean, please!
What's your favorite drink?
How did you meet the {bride} and {groom}?

We can continue the theme throughout... yay!

Getting to Know... The Couple

• Baby/ kid pics - the F loves this, and I have the BEST bad hair day school picture from the 6th grade. I'm always willing to sacrifice my rep for a good laugh.

• Bios. I imagine a collage of little cards with descriptions of us haphazardly displayed ... some way other than a poster board. Our closest friends can write out their contributions and tack them up with push pins. I love push pins.

• Funny/ insightful stories. You know, the stories your family always trots out when a little tipsy and having a good time? Like the time you told your grandmother that she had a rear the size of an elephant's? Cut me some slack, I was three!!

• Our favorite foods as snacks and on the buffet. I love Chick-Fil-A. Tacky? Who cares. I also love french fries (love me some potatoes). The F loves chicken pot pies (swear), roasted chicken, and steaks. I make a great salsa and guacamole that our friends always request.

Getting to Know... The Families

• Clothespin lines with pics of each of our families
  

• A family tree... on an actual tree!

• A special drink named for each of our three siblings (Celin-tini, Rudy-ale...?) or parents. My mom and stepdad love margaritas. My dad drinks bloody mary's.

• Family recipes on the buffet. My mother's mother made the world's best refried beans. My father's mother LOVED Hostess cupcakes.

Getting to Know... The Friends

• Pics of each person as their place cards, attached to an envelope with a personal note from us inside. {I can't find my link, but I KNOW I've seen the guest picture idea somewhere}.
• A song selection contributed by each friend on a mix CD that we gift as favors

• Favorite drink recipe at the DIY bar. I love Fat Tire beer (hooray for finally getting it in this part of the country) much like Mrs. Peacock at Weddingbee (photo by Thorsen Photography). The F likes James Bond martinis -- more in theory than in practice, but still....

Getting to Know... The Neighbors {we have a fantastic neighborhood, and we're all very close}

• Map of neighborhood with a pic of each neighbor corresponding to their address

• Wedding pictures or stories from each of the couples on our street. Many of them are elderly and have lived in their houses since they got married in the 50's.
• A flower from each of their gardens in my wedding bouquet.

This is very exciting! A theme that doesn't require me to match colors! And that is sentimental, meaningful, and fun!

Your turn. Did you do anything special to help your people get to know each other? Any suggestions for how to arrange a meeting of the families when they live across the country from each other? And, be honest: am I getting in over my head in terms of projects? (I do this all the time. "Great idea! Yay! Oh, what do you mean, 100+ hours of work?")

Thoughts on engagement length

This weekend would have been our wedding weekend, had we not decided that we needed more time. How do I feel? A little bit relieved and very much at peace with our decision.

All along, the F was very clear that he wanted to be married to me, and soon... but he had very little clue about getting married (read: wedding stuff). As I became accustomed to (and excited about) the idea of marrying my favorite man, the greater my desire to do it quickly. Honestly, I wanted to get it over with*.

A long engagement seemed to me to be a side effect of the need to make your wedding a big production. Long engagements implied that you needed time to save money so that you could spend as much as possible on your wedding day. I'm not saying you shouldn't, I'm just saying that we didn't want to break the bank on one day. And if we didn't need time to save money, why NOT get married soon?

I also thought of it as a kind of a cop out. Why get engaged if you weren't ready to be married? A long engagement felt like a symptom of a bigger problem, like ambivalence or concern. I have friends who consider an engagement as a kind of trial period -- we're deciding if we want to be married. I disagree. Engagement, to me, is a commitment to marriage. Unless something really unusual comes up during our engagement (a shocking discovery of the worst kind), we'll. Be. Getting. Married.

And so, we picked a date in October -- not too late for us to have an outdoor wedding, not too soon so that we could accomplish tasks around the house in time to have a party. "I'm a planner by profession," I thought. "I can plan a party for 50 people in a few months!"

The shorter our engagement, went my thinking, the less drama and decision-making angst. I can be terribly indecisive, remember?

Sigh. *shaking head* What a dolt I was.

Being engaged is a commitment. And yes, we will use the time to plan the details of our wedding day. But it's more than that, so much more. Being engaged is an opportunity to grow closer and to learn (and practice) the skills we'll need to be a successful married couple - things like compromising, getting along with our in-laws-to-be, making decisions together, budgeting, spending large sums of money (I don't care how small your wedding is, it's likely to involve larger sums of money than you'd spend at, say, the book store), and becoming a team. Our entire engagement is a rite of passage, and when I think about my task list that way, every item becomes meaningful.

Build a guest list? We're getting acquainted with each others' social and family circles. We're dipping our toes in each others' family traditions and assumptions. We're defining our community!

Invitation choices? We're defining ourselves as a couple -- casual or formal, traditional or modern, spendy or thrifty. How much emphasis (and money) are we putting on something many people will throw away that is also the first announcement of our big news?

Deciding on a menu? My culture and family norms meet his. Mine are a potluck, casual, super spicy kind of people. His are casual as well, but the food is more southern and likely to be takeout. Being from different cultures (Hispanic v. Southern), this is where we'll showcase those differences for our families.

Our engagement isn't too long -- about nine months -- but just right for us. Every day I am more excited, more centered, and more capable of being a great wife for my fabulous husband-to-be. I've learned that engagement length is a personal decision based on so many factors, and at the end of the day, only the couple can know what is right for them. I've learned that you need to plan and save, but also to grow and transition into the couple you'll be.. and that takes time. I've learned that wedding planning, while often stressful and crazy, is important and meaningful.

So, your turn. Why is your engagement as long (or as short) as it is? Did you, unlike me at first, consider your emotional growth when deciding on wedding date?

{As a second-time bride, I'll admit that I thought, I've done this wedding planning thing already. Let's skip the drama this time and keep it short and practical. Why drag my family through it all again? If you're getting remarried, like me, learn from my mistakes. This is a new marriage, a new couple, and a new life. Don't shortchange yourself (yourselves!) or feel embarrassed about having a lengthy engagement or traditional wedding elements. Your past has passed, and you have every right (in fact, obligation) to embark on this journey with new joy and happiness. A marriage creates a new family, and thus requires it's own transition steps, ie: wedding tasks.}

Can you be in love with stationery?

I got my order from Paper Source today, and I'm. In. Love. Also, about to kill my cat for trying to walk all over it (not really... it's not his fault I spread it all out to make googoo eyes at it).

The "Gravel" envelopes are just as serious as I'd hoped, and the "Cement" cards and paper are calm and neutral. Love. The "Starlight Sapphire" (gag, name) inserts are just a little bit shiny, and together they form one serious image. In contrast to the handwritten invites we decided on, this is just perfection!

I'm still struggling a bit with the wording. The stationery is nice and serious, the handwritten invite lends a personal touch... so how formal should the wording be? I think it would be silly to handwrite "The honor of your presence is requested at the wedding of {my man's full name} and {my full name}" when we're doing the inviting and we're handwriting said invite. On the other hand, "Come join us to celebrate" is so, well, simple. I know, I know, that's what I was going for, but I also want people to know how important it is to us that they be a part of our celebration, because we love them and they love us.

I'm overthinking, aren't I? Did anyone else feel that formal invites were too much for their casual affair?

Color indecision

I'm a terrible decider of things. Too many options and I shut down, so the simplest tasks like choosing invitation paper leave me frustrated and overwhelmed. I start out with a vision, which morphs when I see other options, then disappears when I see too many. Too. Much. Decision-making.

New rule: when the panicky feeling sets in, a choice must be made, purchased, completed. "I will order invitation paper today," I said. I'll start with the things I love.

I love blue skies. I love the green-ness of this city. I love simplicity and neutral grays.

So, sky blue accents + green surroundings + white linens + gray base.

SUCH a relief to decide. I'm throwing in "night sky blue" (read: navy) in envelopes and "starry night sky blue" in inserts (because the regular sky blue wasn't available).

Drumroll, please...

Blue!... just because - maybe personal requests?

Cement... invitations

Starry Night (er, Stardream Sapphire) - additional info like parking, etc

Gravel envelopes (so serious... love)

And let's not leave out...

Night envelopes... love. LOVE.

A cake strategy

The F can't picture things until he sees (you guessed it) pictures. Since I'm the researcher in our family, the system we've devised is that I create simple blog posts on our very own private blog on a specific topic (with relevant pictures), then we review them and make a decision.

When I asked J what he pictured when he thought about a wedding, he mentioned three things: a ceremony in the clearing, a "GQ looking" suit, and a cake. We'd already talked about the clearing and hadn't gotten to the suit (since I hadn't yet picked a dress), so we talked about cakes next.

Simplest

Cake Buffet

Many small cakes (or cupcakes!)

More multiples

There's also the traditional stacked cake, but not only is it more expensive, I don't think we have enough time...

Traditional stacked cake

Cupcakes! When I mentioned this option to him, he didn't believe me. "Cupcakes," he said, "Who has CUPCAKES instead of a real cake? And why?" Men.

Simple and monogrammed

First we picked a style, then we picked flavors, and then we had to decide whether to a) make very simple cakes ourselves, b) talk our friends into making very simple cakes, or c) try to order a last-minute cake from the yummy cake place downtown.

We chose the cake buffet and to bake cakes ourselves and freeze them then do icing the day of. We also chose these flavors:

• Coconut frosting on white cake
• Chocolate w/ fudge frosting
• Carrot cake w/ cream cheese frosting
• My friend Laura's lemon cake
• Pastel de Tres Leches (we might buy this one)

Our backup plan is to ask very close friends to each bring a cake. We'll be prepared with vintage cake stands (which I've yet to buy) and just plop their contributions on each one! I'll admit, I love the idea of our closest friends bringing the cakes that symbolize our first meal as a married couple.

Did anyone else decide to go the DIY route with cakes? Any experiences with doing it successfully? {Check out this link... awesome!}

Choosing a Date (aka, Holiday or not?)

View Larger Map

As I mentioned before, the F and I will be getting married on the property surrounding our house, with a fabulous (is there any other way?) outdoor party to follow. We live in Knoxville, TN, as does his family, but my family lives 1500 miles away in and around Las Cruces, NM. Both of my siblings are in college and my mom works at a high school.

We therefore need to choose a date that is convenient for my family in terms of travel, so school holidays are good. In choosing between Spring Break and Memorial Day, the latter makes the most sense and also ensures that our property is at it's prettiest.

I can't help but wonder, though, will our friends think we're jerks for having a wedding over a holiday? (See blog post here, but be warned, there's profanity.)

On the one hand, our closest friends won't hesitate to give up a long holiday weekend to spend with us. In fact, I'd expect them to be very annoyed at even the thought that they'd rather go to the lake than party with us here.

On the other, our acquaintances might feel put out. Perhaps they really would prefer the lake to sticking around our house with us?

In the end, the needs of my family will win out. They're making the longest (and only) distance trip to be here, and we need to grant them the ability to travel AND have a good time. Our close friends will be involved, helping us out (if only by putting drinks in our hands to calm the stress) throughout the weekend.

As for our acquaintances? We're not inviting most of them. Our goal is to keep our gathering as small as possible and only invite the people we couldn't imagine being without. Since it IS a holiday weekend, we think we'll host a wedding weekend with a variety of activities... and perhaps even a trip to the lake!

Are any of you getting married on a holiday? Have you gotten any complaints about the scheduling? Are you making it a longer shindig to make up for it?

Growing my own bouquet?

That flower in the header of this site? It came from my neighbor's front yard! We live in a house once owned (for four decades!) by a Master Gardener in a perfect part of the country for growing things. We're getting married in late May.

In keeping with my sentimental nature, I want a bouquet made of flowers plucked from our neighbors' yards. I want to anoint our space with flowers cut from our own property. I want the green backdrop of our trees and grass and foliage to be enough "decoration." Oh, yea, and I don't want to spend a bunch of money on flowers that will die.

We don't know a thing about gardening. Let the research begin.

My plan is to use all white for everything else -- linens, chairs, napkins. Because I don't know enough yet about what kinds of flowers we'll pull from the garden, white is safest.

But, what flowers can we grow and count on in late May? I started with my favorite flowers, then narrowing down the list to those that will bloom at the right time.

Hydrangeas. Love, love, love. My neighbors have a fabulous hydrangea bush that produced the flower in the header as well as this one (still alive and well 10 days later). I plucked this one in September, but I'm pretty sure I cut a bunch in June as well. Endless Summer hydrangeas seem to be the way to go.

Roses. This bouquet was cut from our completely neglected rosebushes last Mother's Day.
Beautiful, right? Perhaps not as professional looking as, ya know, bouquets by the professionals, but good enough for me. The big purple one in the top center is fragrant, as are the tiny yellow roses you can barely see in the bottom left corner.
Carefree Spirit shrub rose at Jackson & Perkins. Wouldn't this make a happy and bright single flower bouquet?
Or how about Sweet Freedom? And it's fragrant!

Tulips. Happy! Spring-ish! Bright! I don't know, though, for some reason this seems like the easy way out. Also, I think that late May is too late for tulips in Tennessee.

Poppies! So happy and silly all at once. Stylish. Unfortunately, my research shows that they are delicate, bloom only briefly, and did I mention that delicate things and I don't mix well?

Peonies. I almost forgot peonies! How could I? I don't know much about them except that they're often hard to get shipped... assuming they're delicate? I'll have to do more research.


Mixed inspiration bouquet. He-llo, beautiful. Nice to meet you, Garden Rose. I think we'll be friends. (Joined in this picture by maidenhair fern -- looks like parsley -- and pale pink cymbidiums).

I'm leaning toward roses for a couple of reasons. First, I know they can grow on our property. Second, both of my grandmothers and my recently departed grandfather loved roses. Third, they're perennial, and I'd love to cut a bunch every year for our anniversary. Fourth, we don't have to plant bareroot roses until March, giving us time to pick colors and locations. Finally, we can plant a bunch and see what blooms. Worst case, I can beg flowers from my neighbors or buy a bunch at the florist at the last minute.

I'd love to plant a rosebush in memory of each of my grandparents and one special rose to commemorate our marriage. Adding in a bloom or two from our existing plants will tie us to the history of this property (and the 40+ year marriage it housed), and perhaps our neighbors will contribute another bloom or two as a symbol of our fabulous community.

On the other hand, I love me some hydrangeas. They're elegant and beautiful, simple and showy (but not flashy!).

I have so many questions. Will roses continue to bloom all summer? Will they bloom early enough? Will they bloom the first year we plant them? Can we count on hydrangeas in May? Do I need to pick a color, or can I throw them all in together? How badly can I mess this up?

Any gardeners out there willing to point me to a good book or link for learning about roses and hydrangeas? Any brides who grew their own flowers?

Stay tuned... I still need to figure out what to do with the clearing!

Inspiration

I've spent the last handful of posts waxing poetic about my emotional struggles and my learning curve when it comes to relationships. Those of us facing a second chance at a committed life (and facing our expectations of what that would be) have both the future and the past to deal with. It's important (so important) yet frustratingly unacknowledged.

Today, though, I'm taking a break from the angst and depth, going through all of my inspiration pictures and posting my favorites. Because, repeat bride or not, we all want the day we commit to another (for eternity this time!) to be special, magical, important. It may not be the best day of my life, but I'd like for it to be one of the more memorable.

{I have a reason for this. I'm not so good at trusting or believing in good and happy things. Committing, for me, is incredibly difficult. I constantly fight against my instinct for self-preservation to find the space to be committed and generous with my love. When I pledge myself with my vows, I want to be fully present and I want to remember the moment clearly... because when things get hard, I'll need those promises and the memory of our hope and happiness in that moment to get me through.}

How amazingly cool and elegant and totally wonderful is this bride in a non-white, non-ivory, non-lace dress? I want to be like this before I do the big thing -- sitting on a couch, putting on my own shoes, NOT dripping in drama.


A sweater! Over a wedding dress! Yay for comfort!

Huppah. Because, c'mon, who doesn't want to be sheltered by our new home, surrounded by the love of our friends and family?

Hello, young, in love, and so darned sweet!

Hiya, Sexy. This may be the first (only?) sexy as all get out getting-dressed-to-get-married picture.
The BEST backyard wedding. They upgraded their property (bonus!) and had a great time with their friends and family in the house where they became a family.


More later!

Garden Bride

Have I mentioned any of the plans we have for our wedding? No? Shame on me! The F* and I bought a house together in April of this year, and we discovered that it came with almost two acres of land. Yowza. So, in addition to the lot that you'd expect -- front yard, side yard, and a narrow slit of a backyard -- we also have a trail that leads down the side of a big hill to a clearing about 50 yards across. It's amazing, and we are so lucky to live in a home that was well-loved by our predecessors.

(Excuse the crazy filters on these pics. I got a new camera and was playing with the settings.)

{Incidentally, the couple who lived here before us moved in in 1961 and lived the remainder of their years here. She died in 1997, and he died in March, just a few months after he moved out. He was a Master Gardener -- and apparent handyman, judging by the DIY light fixtures, cedar-lined closets, and basement decor. More on that later.}

The F suggested early on in our marriage discussions that we should get married in the clearing. How romantic! Except that I'm not only romantic, I'm pragmatic, and all I could think was, "Oh, crap, we have a lot of work to do. And how will we power a sound system without blowing the fuses?" You read that right. Fuses. While we got original oak hardwood floors, the aforementioned cedar-lined closets, and 5 foot wide hallways, we are also the proud owners of a 1700 square foot creepy basement apartment that was last updated in the 70's, an overgrown trail and clearing, and an electrical system based on fuses.

I'm very excited to be married to my favorite guy ever on the grounds of our first home together, and can't wait to show our kids the pictures. On the other hand, we have a lot of work to do before spring, not least of which involves learning enough about gardening to clear and augment the great piece of property we live on.

Are there any gardeners in the audience? What would YOU do with this trail and clearing? Clean it up, leave it wild, or try to tame it with new plantings?

*F = Fiance, though I might sometimes use FH (Future Hubby) instead.

Back to good...

I'm one of those people that, when things are bad, can't imagine things ever being good again. Getting "back to good" is always such a relief.

The F and I have been in a really difficult, frustrating, heart-breakingly bad period since the timeline fiasco. Long story short, we've been fighting our way back to a trusting, supportive, happy relationship from a nervous, unstable, blaming one.

And we've done it! Sunday was a wonderful day. We cleaned out our disgusting basement (1700 square feet of 60's decor, nasty water from a plumbing problem, and litterbox overflows) in a little over five hours. We got along beautifully! We worked well together! We listened to each other with open minds! We talked! Communicated! Discussed!

What did I learn? I need to be nicer. Not have different opinions or hide my ideas or roll over and show my belly -- just be nice. As a not naturally nice person, I'm using a behavioral tactic to help me: I'm calling him "Honey." My usual affectionate names are so comfortable for me that I can use them in not so affectionate ways. This change reminds me to be nicer to my honey, because after all, he deserves it.

{I'm not letting him off the hook here, btw. He's working on communicating better and more often, which is just as difficult for him as being nice is for me. The bigger lesson is that waiting for him to change before I even try is a sucker's strategy, and I'm not a sucker. Er, am trying not to be, anyway.}

Anyone else out there who's engagement got off to a rocky start? Please tell me I'm not the only one who had to learn to just be nice!

Wedding dreams... one picture

Somewhere along the line I got the impression that if we were limited by time and budget, we (read: I) wouldn't be able to get caught up in wedding planning. We'd have to prioritize, be practical, and not get carried away. That's me. Practical. Except when I'm not, of course.

Now that we're on pause, I have plenty of time to think and no reason to stress, and I'm trying to get back to what I imagined our wedding would be.

I wanted vintage lace, and a classic getaway car, and a bunch of dressed up people hanging out in a super casual setting like our backyard. I wanted a picture of me lounging in a garden chair holding my husband's hand. He'd be wearing a suit with the tie loosened and I'd be in a glamorous (yet elegant and perfectly appropriate) dress, and our hands would be loosely entwined while we laughed with our friends. There would be martinis. And finger foods. We'd be surrounded by the glow of candlelight, the gentle laughter of our friends and family (ahem, loud hilarity), and the love and support of our people. That picture, the one I just described, would be in black and white, and we'd blow it up and frame it. Our grandchildren would see it and not notice it until they considered the wedding pictures they wanted. They would want one like ours.

What pictures are on your list? Are you specifying quasi-candid shots like this one?

Great Expectations

I bought this fabulous book on a desperate trip to B&N. One of the first exercises concerns your expectations (versus reality) of getting and being engaged.

I suppose we're lucky in that we have a do-over, so we'll see how reality and expectations match the second time around. In retrospect, I expected that the occasion would somehow morph us into something we're not (although I wish we were) -- sentimental.

The lesson here? If you want to be something as a couple, be it now. Don't expect an occasion to make it happen. If you're not a spiritual couple, I'm guessing your wedding is unlikely to feel very spiritual, in a comfortable way, anyway. If you're not a formal couple, a formal wedding might feel... off. I want to be more spiritual, more sentimental, more connected and intimate. Is it possible to morph, as a couple, once you're together?

{Repeat-Bride-specific note: I wasn't proposed to the first time around. We decided together that it made sense to get married, then took my mom out to lunch to let her know. I think I sent my dad a fax. *cringe* I didn't do much better this time. I blurted out that we'd be getting married in the fall in a hospital waiting room. Brilliant.}

Something old, something new

The shadow of your former loves and lives follows you into any relationship. The stakes are upped when the previous relationship was a marriage, and it (obviously) failed. Who doesn't love a "first"? First kiss, first love, first bite, first sip. "I've never done this before, been here before, felt like this before." The "I've never" makes it special. But what if you have?

I have been engaged before, and I was pretty good at it. Do I have regrets? Yes, a few, and this is a great chance for a do-over. I wish that I'd been more sentimental, spiritual, connected. I wish that I'd felt the weight of my commitment and been able to say that I went ahead and got married anyway. I wish that I could say that I looked forward and saw difficult times and difficult moments and pledged myself and my life to my man with eyes wide open. I wish that I remembered our ceremony better, that I felt something (anything!) other than embarrassment and impatience. I wish that I'd known myself better, known him better, known the future better. So my "something new" is to revel in my sentimentality, be unapologetic about my spiritual needs, and feel the full weight of our future rather than avoid the uncomfortable feelings.

My "something old" is to get ahead of myself and screw it all up. Welcome to the real world, folks, where you can move on from anything but yourself.

I'm a take-charge kind of girl. I'm a planner. I'm a tactical soul. I'm the product of generations of dysfunctional marriages (and successful divorces). This isn't an excuse, only an acknowledgment. I get ahead of myself when I'm excited, screech back to a full stop when I'm disappointed, and in the depths of my soul I fear (and expect) being abandoned.

He mentioned marriage months and months ago. My heart skittered* in discomfort. Do I want to be married again? What's wrong with living in a permanent state of sin? Can I be married again... successfully? Is it fair to my ex-husband to get it right with someone else? (The worries aren't necessarily logical, eh?) Will I jinx it by thinking about it? Are we ready? What's the point of marriage? Do we know each other well enough? Can I be faithful to him... forever? Will I be stuck in this city forever? Does he really know and love me, the shitty not-nice stressed out yucky me?

I came around. I love this man. I want my children to be like this man. I've never thought/ said/ considered the phrase "my children" before loving this man. My man is a great, good, solid, wonderful, worthy-of-my-admiration kind of a man. Why wouldn't I want to marry him? I'd love to call him my husband, love to feel the stability that being stuck together forever incurs, love to make a vow (and then keep it). I want the chance to be a good wife this time.

We talked timeline. In retrospect, he expressed his discomfort at any kind of a timeline, but I passed it off as timeline-discomfort -- the kind that planning will alleviate, ya know. I dithered around looking at rings. Freaked the hell out about making a decision. Waffled, flip-flopped, panicked. Screeched my distress at my boyfriend. I cried. Finally chose a ring (which he promptly purchased, unbeknownst to me) and then panicked some more. Ruined his surprise. Set a deadline for getting engaged. (*cringe*) Lost my shit when he didn't meet it. Had many hurt feelings.../

{time to cut the ugly train wreck short, partially in a sad attempt to be concise but mostly because I'm embarrassed}

/... Now we have to back up. Take a deep breath, make it right. While we are still engaged to the world, we are in pause mode in terms of planning anything. The ball is back in his court, and he will propose when he wants to with whatever ring he wants with no input from me whatsoever. I will trust him with our lives because I have trusted him with my heart. {If you're related to me and reading this, don't get worried. This step is just between us, as token step to replace a stressful memory with a good one.}

Lesson: do not get ahead of yourself. Getting ahead of yourself does not, will not, cannot give you a free pass past the uncomfortable business of dealing with and closing the books on your past. Learn from your past and be better at the present not by skipping past everything but by doing the hard thing (and for me, that's being patient). The point of an engagement, I believe, is to give you practice at living life together. You have to make decisions together, catalog your histories and your families, navigate new relationships with in-laws, focus on each other and your new relationship while standing together in the face of the drama, and GET TO THE END OF THE THING. The wedding day is the beginning of a marriage, but it's also the end of the test that is can-we-succeed-as-a-couple.

*skittered: a screech without the sound, like your body skittering down a not-wet-enough Slip 'N Slide.

The journey... so far

Gosh, where to begin. On most wedding blogs, brides start with how they met their fiance. However, in my case (and some decent percentage of brides, if the statistics are to be believed), the journey started long before this man-to-whom-I'm-committing. I feel a bit disloyal starting before our beginning, to be honest.

I've been married before. I have been done this planning-a-wedding thing before and the wedded bliss did not last. Suffice it to say that some things were good, some things were bad, and it's hard for me to set aside the worry and just be happy.

I married my first husband* in 2000 and we separated in 2005. We divorced in 2007 after living in separate cities for two years. We had as good a divorce as two people who loved each other can. I still think he's great. He's still proud of me.

After ending the destined-to-doom subsequent rebound relationship, I met my fiance in June of last year. In. A. Bar. Seriously. We were engaged to be married on July 31 of this year. That's my beautiful engagement ring! (I fast forwarded past dating to dating exclusively to my practically living at his house to talking about living together to accidentally buying a house to living together and getting a puppy, didn't I? We'll get to that, I promise.)

I love him. I adore him. I want my children to be just like him. This is the first man with whom I could even imagine having children, and once I imagined it, I could not get that dream out of my mind. I want to build a life with this man. I am building a life with this man. That's the rainbows and butterflies part. He's handsome and kind, loving, caring, hard-working, a big ol' softie for puppies and kittens and babies. He loves me well, and I learn from him every day.

Now, for reality. We struggle to communicate. We are more different than any of my boyfriends (and, ahem, that-guy-I-was-married-to) ever were, so I can't take anything for granted or assume it's understood. Also, this commitment thing freaks me out. He's lived his whole life in the city where we reside. I changed cities every two years and apartments even more often. A year and a few months isn't long enough to know everything about each other.

I worry and I obsess and I second guess, but deep down in my heart and gut, I know I'm in the right place with the right man. He is my fiance and I can't wait until he's my husband.

*I knew that I was doing the right thing, would be okay with this commitment to this man, when I started thinking of my ex-husband as my first husband.

It's been a (tough) month since we got engaged. Really tough. I thought we'd be in a happy love bubble, but alas, that was not to be, not for us, not for me. The worst of it let up last weekend, our third stormy weekend, when we suddenly understood each other for the first time (more on this in a later post). Since that day, we've been slowly returning to our normal happy state, and it's a relief.

I found a great book for the newly engaged struggling with not-so-bubbly feelings:

In desperation, I hit the local bookstore and pulled every wedding planning book off the shelf. Okay, not every book -- I ignored anything that said anything about "perfect," "best day of your life," "elegant," or "The Knot." I love matching details as much as anyone, but I'm beyond (or not there yet) worrying about details. I need some help figuring out why it's not all butterflies and rainbows.

I know that it's not socially accepted to admit that being engaged is scary and stressful. I know that talking about worrying that you are with someone forever (even when said man is kind and wonderful and you want your kids to be like him) isn't the proper thing to do. I know that it feels disloyal saying the words, "it's not what I expected." Well, here I am... and I know I'm not alone (if only because I found a book that says so).

If you're reading this and you relate, please leave a comment. If you're reading this and you don't relate, then please share your secrets! I love him, and I'm happier than I've ever been, but whoa -- forever. Scary.

Has anyone else read (and enjoyed) this book? Have you felt, like me, a little lost and a little overwhelmed?

Tips for engagement pics

We received the CD of our engagement pictures a few weeks back, and I love them! Here are my favorites:

I love them all -- I love that we look like ourselves but also really cool, I love that we look happy and honest, I love that the colors are so bright and beautiful around us.

So with that, I offer my suggestions for taking great engagement pictures....

On what to wear:

• Consider your location. I initially wanted to wear something bright blue (I look good in bright blue), but I'm very happy that I chose something very neutral instead. The location colors come through better this way.
• If you are busty, like me, I highly recommend a black wrap shirt. Unfortunately mine had these ruffly things all the way down the front so the profile pics look a little odd, but the general effect was exactly what I wanted: minimize the boobage, emphasize the waist.
• I'm glad that while we both wore jeans, they didn't match.
• Be honest (and by that, I mean authentic). J's a jeans and t-shirt kind of guy, so he dressed up a bit with a button-down shirt... but still worn casually. I'm a heels and jeans kind of girl, so I went that route.
• Be sentimental. His jeans are my favorite, and the ones he wore the night we met. I bought him that shirt, and it reminds me of one of my faves. He loves that pair of jeans on me.
• Personal note for pet owners: dog/ cat hair does not show up in pictures, even on a black shirt, so don't stress out over it like I did.

On locations:

• Again, be sentimental and authentic. I love this city, and it's the city where he grew up, so we wanted something quintessentially Knoxville, and nothing says Knoxville like World's Fair Park. We also considered the property around our home, but decided that WFP would be cooler when our kids ask about the pics in 10 years (the kids we haven't had yet).
• Do some location scouting on your own... especially if working with a novice photog or new location. Walk around together and decide what feels right. We didn't do this, and while our pics came out beautifully, I wish we'd gotten a few more of the Sunsphere and at least one near the ampitheatre.

On preparation:

• Come up with a few poses, a few expressions, a few composition ideas... again, especially if your photographer is a bit inexperienced. Our photographer was lovely and produced beautiful pics, but she's used to working with babies, and you don't have to direct babies. When we got to WFP, she gave us carte blanche -- so we had to figure out our own shots, poses, expressions. Very awkward at first, and the reason that so many e-pics are smoochy. You run out of things to do! Note: even if you're hoping for mostly candid shots (like I was), you still have to be doing something (ya know, to catch candidly). Think of things to do!
• Think about a few stories that embody how you feel about each other. That way, when you run out of things to do (call them poses, call them whatever), you can tell your story. Some of our most honest expressions came out of the telling of our "how we met" story.
• At all times, even when playing around or not posing, look either at the camera or your partner. On close-up, a few of my favorite shots fell out of the running because you can tell we're distracted or looking at something that just doesn't "make" the picture.

I love, love, love these pics. I'd never wanted to take engagement pics but a serendipitous craigslist-surfing session combined with all the FIL's clamoring for pics and my realization that I just didn't like any of the snapshots we had led to this session, and we're both so glad we did it.

Now we're talking about scheduling another session in early spring on our property with the animals!

I have to say, one of the best things about being a repeat bride is that I've had a chance to think about what's important. Things (like this) that I might have blown off the first time (had I known about them) -- pictures commemorating a happy moment in our lives -- are so important to me, and I'm thrilled that we took the time to do them.